Searching to be willing.

I got on my computer a few minutes ago in order to look for some insight, to just word vomit onto a blog to clear my head and to just see what God had to say to me (I know weird to get on a computer to see what God had to say, right? but stay with me and know that all the while I'm praying in my heart...asking God to help me with this current struggle.)


The struggle I am having right now is... "what's next, God?"


I have blogged before about transparency...and I continue to try to be transparent. And in doing so I am okay with saying that my husband has a heart for God that I admire, and that I also do not have (to the same extent). My husband would pick up right now and move to Antarctica if he was convinced that's where God was asking him to go...and I, well, I would like to say that I would...BUT if I am being transparent, I think I would say "I would go, but I would not be happy about it. And I would probably try really hard to talk Joe into another place that God may want us." But that's NOT the heart I WANT. I want to be willing to GO. I want to say "here am I. Send me."


These past few days, I have felt God working in me. I have heard his voice in many places...in the message yesterday morning at church, in the message I listened to in an online service last night, in a song....I keep feeling encouraged, and broken all at the same time. Do you know what I mean? Do you know the feeling of being encouraged and broken at the same time? God is doing that to me right now...and I love it, and it's scary. It's like I feel Him stretching and growing me (that's encouraging) but I know that to keep growing, I have to face some fears (and that's breaking me). I love that God is working in me, but I know with those changes and growing opportunities...comes the facing the fears, and that's scary.

Warning--sidenote/detour ahead...

I should share a bit about what's going on in our lives right now for those of you who may not know. Currently Joe & I are running a small after school program at my home church, but we are pretty certain that when this school year is over we will be moving on to something else...it's the something else we are trying to figure out right now; the cause for the "What's next, God?" question we are pondering. 
Joe is in Arizona at the moment for a Leadership conference called Restoration Revolution boot camp (you can follow his adventures here) and this experience is really shaking him and God is working. It's a great thing (other than how much I miss him!) and I am thrilled that he was able to go because I know that this truly is what he wanted and what he needed. It is a God thing that it all worked out & he was able to go. So...there is the "current" edition of the Cartwright life. :)

So back to me getting on the computer tonight...

I logged on and went straight to blogger to talk, but my words weren't ready to be made into sentences. My heart was still searching for those words. So i decided to do some blog reading, before blog writing and it didn't take me long to stumble upon some words that immediately brought me to those "yes, Lord" tears...flowing tears. The blog that I was reading was one of Natali's. I have mentioned Natali in the past, we met in college and it wasn't until we got to know more about each other as we talked on Facebook that I learned that we had something other than our college in common--we both had a love for the Maker of our universe. Natali has since been an inspiration and encouragement to me (and many others) of multiple occasions but tonight it was her words that figuratively, brought me to my knees.

In her blog, Natali says...
"I'm a willing vessel. Mold me, light my steps along the path You have for me, and help me. Help me keep stepping out. Help me to have an obedient spirit no matter the obstacles in my way. I've taken Your hand and I'm not looking back. There's too much at stake to stay within the status quo, so I'm letting You write my days out and following the example You set before me to follow.

It doesn't matter what I lose or what I have to do to get back here, I just know what You've told me to do. As it says in Zephaniah 3.17, I just have to listen to You singing over me and know I've got all I will ever need. Your voice is my healing and my lead. If it means that one comes to know You, then it will be worth every struggle, every loss and every heartache I foresee down this path that isn't the easiest. Yet somehow I think this path holds the greatest joy I've never known. I'm ready to say hello.
Here we go."

These words shook me. To me they said, "Kristi, let go of your fears. Your fears are telling you to hold on to what you know...but you know Me and I will never let go, and I am all you need. Kristi, you need to trust Me because I made you and I love you. Kristi, just let Me lead..." 

I mentioned that last night I listened to a message online that spoke to me, that message was delivered by Dave at Kinetic Church in Charlotte, NC and in that message he used the following verses:

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

This helped me to realize that my eyes are too focused on what is SEEN. I am looking at what I have here and how I am comfortable...but what I should be looking at is how I can impact the kingdom. How I can make a difference in the UNSEEN, in the ETERNAL. 

I am being broken. 

I am being encouraged. 

And I could use your prayers. 

We (Joe & I) could use your prayers for our future...for clarity on where God wants us, 

and for the focus to make our lives HIS and not our own.